Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Coming clean

I've finally found acceptance in my training.

I've identified where I let my anger and hurt get the best of me. When it happened, I registered for some races out of spite. I didn't really want to do them. I only signed up to prove someone wrong because I was so hurt.

Lately, this has really been weighing on me as my race season is getting ready to start. There were races that I was looking forward to doing....and others that I was regretting my decision to register.

I've been dwelling on this for months because training and racing is really hard. You have to be 100% committed to it.

I wasn't.

It was really bothering me. It finally got to the point where I decided to talk to someone about it.

I thought I could go into those races with a different attitude or just look at them as training or having fun with all the other athletes. But it's really hard to train and race for something when your heart isn't in it.

I've had so many people trying to convince me that I need to stick with my schedule.

So I talked to someone who's opinion I trust. I was so happy to hear the response of "You can't do this if you're not into it."

The fact is that if all I did was train, and I didn't have to work or have other things going on.....well, I could train for ANY distance.

But that's not my situation. Training has to fit into my life. I will never again try to fit my life into my training.

When she said that, it was like a weight lifted. I realized that I can do whatever I want to do.

I don't want to do those races that signed up for out of hurt and anger and the "I'll show you" attitude.

I want to do the races that I want to do for me----not "revenge"---so to speak.

As much as everyone struggles to understand this, I don't want to do long distances. It's not that I "can't". It's not that I'm afraid of them. I don't have the time to train for long distances. Could I make the time? Certainly but only at the sacrifice of things that I'm not willing to sacrifice. In that regard, I don't want to do them.

Down the road, there will be plenty of time for me to go long.

I'm not here to talk about priorities because you have heard that story ad nauseam.

What's out? What's in?

At this writing, The Boulder Peak is out. There are two other races that are later in the year. I don't have to decide now. I have plenty of time to see how my Summer goes.

Now that the Peak is off the radar, I can go about enjoying my upcoming races and not worry about who's there; how I have to perform or what someone else is thinking about my performance.

Because it doesn't matter.