Friday, May 30, 2014

Who's got your back?

Why do you read blogs?

As an introvert, I know why I write them. It's a way to process things. I'm not always right. In fact, most of the time, I'm wrong. I've said it before. I can be and need to be irrational here. It allows me to work through some issues I might be having. At the end, there's always clarity.

This clarity happened this week in a conversation with Molly. Of course, the conversation was probably some insane thing about sex or food or training or y'know NOTHING to do with the enlightenment that hit me afterwards.

This year, the past 5 months or so, I withdrew emotionally from many things. I threw myself into work. I threw myself into training. I threw myself into getting JMan graduated.

I did it so I wouldn't have to feel certain things that I just wasn't ready to deal with. OR that I didn't have the energy to deal with. I think physical work is much easier to handle than the emotional stuff.

Well, of course.....everything happens for a reason. I crashed my bike. It was not a bad crash, but it was enough to slow me down. What that meant was that I FORCED to stop being so damn physical and actually deal with my own sh*t.

Here I was accomplishing some pretty cool things, but I wasn't enjoying them. There was a piece missing.

Then this week, things started happening. First, I got the message from LBTEPA. Then, the conversation with Molly. Then, another person made the simplest of comments to me. The comment hit me very personally...even though, it had nothing to do with me personally. There was the race over the weekend. I had a lot of things hit me all at once.

I decided it was time for me to make some changes, and.....a weight was lifted. I finally figured out some of the things that were going on.

My "issues" were that I was trying to force some things to happen. I was trying to make things happen that needed time. They weren't meant to be forced. It's like that old fitting a square peg into a circle hole....or however the saying goes.

The other bigger issue was having to let go. I mean, really let go of things. I'm not good at that.

When I accepted those things, other things started falling into place.

It's not perfect, but I'm feeling a lot better.

So many of you have had my back for the past few months. And Molly....there's just no way I can thank you enough for making that drive down to the Sneak that day. It was chilly and drizzly, and it was a blast. If it weren't for you, I probably would have had another meltdown....besides....there were pancakes....and lots of syrupy goodness that day....and driving all over Denver looking for a place to eat.

Here's where I am. I'm happy. I have really great friends in my life.

Sometimes I feel like with those people behind me, I can accomplish anything.