Thursday, May 30, 2013


It's really hard to start a post about trust because there are so many different levels.

From the very basic level, blog readers! Ha! If you are reading this, it means there is a certain level of trust that I have with you. There are times when I need you to kick me in the butt, and there are times when I just need you to listen to me be irrationally mad. There are times when I don't have the confidence to do the things I want, but you all just manage to say the right thing or make me laugh or bring me back to reality.

Then there are deeper friendships. Although I really don't like social media, and you have heard my rants, there is a good to it all.  It's put me in touch with people, who....if you lived closer, I believe we'd get along smashingly. It's also put me in touch with a couple of old college friends, and like Vegas....if it happened in the dorm, it stayed in the dorm. No vows necessary. It was an unwritten rule, and we can all laugh about the stories now. 

I have a very small circle of very good friends. In fact, I can count them on one hand. I prefer it that way. These people know my sense of humor. It's completely off color and usually has a lot to do with sex. In other words, about the level of a teenager.

THESE people know me better than I know myself. When I get wrapped up in life or stress, and I am ready to throw in the towel, these are the people who say, "Come on we can do this. You've come this far. Don't quit now."

Even though I say I want to quit. I don't really. I just don't think I can handle anymore.

For about a month, I've been working on my "schedules". 

I'm 45....and in case you haven't noticed, I'm of the female variety.  I won't bore you with all of the hormonal challenges that presents. I truly feel bad for all of the men who are dealing with this issue with their Significant others.

If it makes you feel any better, she can't control it. It's a horrible feeling being completely out of control of your emotions. For me, the worst part is the "rage" and the sleep issues. Please try to remember this when she is going through it.
Anything can set her off. Anything. You can simply ask her if she wants sugar in her coffee. It's not you. And yes, she feels horrible about it after it passes.

This isn't a blog post about hormones though. Fortunately for me, I have it.....not controlled.....maybe "maintained" is a better word. At the end of last year, I was at wits end. I started using a hormone cream to get me back to normal, but I'm not really a fan of using hormones. So, I did a lot of reading and went completely organic, non-processed, new water filters, personal care items, etc. It took about 3 months when I was able to go off the cream. For me, this is what works. Not everyone can do this, and I understand this. 

But hormones aren't a perfect science, and I still have moments. However, I've gotten much better at knowing when it's a hormone issue or when it's a stress issue. 

This brings me back to the issue of trust. I have a hard time trusting people, but I'm fortunate to have a few people in my life who I do trust.

They will accept me whether I am happy or angry or sad or whatever other mood is thrown at me.

For a month, I've been working on my work schedule and sleep schedule and training schedule. I can't get anything to jive. I move workouts around. I move work around. I'm tired all the time.

Last week was my breaking point. 

I wanted to throw everything away. I didn't want to listen to anyone anymore. 

Yesterday, two different people who I trust, said two completely different things, and not at all related to my to speak. (It was and it wasn't). I've found that it's often these little comments said in an offhand kind of way, that get to me. I wasn't looking for advice, and they weren't giving it. Sometimes, I just need the encouragement. Sometimes, it's the simple fact that someone shows that they care. It doesn't matter what they actually said.

And as tired as I was and as guarded and tightly wound as I was, the message got through.

It's physics, equal and opposite forces. Or if you recently read one of the triathlon focused magazines, it's the "knot in the rubber band". The more you stretch it, the tighter the knot gets.

To loosen the knot, you have to let go.

I can't fight it.

I have to go with it.

Some of the things that are going on in my life, I wouldn't have chosen, but it's what I have to work with. 

I can work against them. Or I can work with them.....I really don't want to quit.

This is my perfectly imperfect life.