Calm & Storm

Throughout my day, week, whatever, I will have these phrases pop into my head. Maybe I've heard them before. Maybe I've made them up. I have no idea. 

Seemingly at random, these phrases come to me. Over the last 2 days, at various times of the day, without meaning, I would start repeating calm & storm, calm & storm.

The week was very hard on me.

For those of you who do not know the story, 5 months ago my aunt was given 3-6 months to live. She had been diagnosed with a very advanced melanoma. She has gone through many surgeries and experimental treatment.

The cancer had progressed into her brain where there were 4 very large lesions and many smaller lesions. The neuro-surgeon advised that brain surgery was not an option.

She was given 2-3 weeks to live.

People die from massive heart attacks. It's shocking. There's no time for closure. 

Something like cancer is different. Family is an active part of the dying process. Last requests, wishes.....

Even when you are given a timeframe of 3-6 months, it doesn't seem real.

In the end, the option that the family chose was to move her back home with in home care.

On one of those days, I left to go for a short swim. 

My emotions were pent up all week. I would cry for no reason. I would cry because I couldn't get the door unlocked. I cried because I couldn't comprehend some legal documents I was supposed to sign. 

I just couldn't stop crying.

Then I hit a void. I knew it was time to do something, so I went swimming. as many of you know, swimming is incredibly meditative for me because it comes naturally to me. I don't have to think about it. I just do it.

The day I showed up at the pool, I stuck my foot in the water, and it was cold as ice. I sat on the edge of the pool with my feet dangling in the cold water. I sat there for 10 minutes when I decided to skip the swim. I went over to the hot tub and got in.

That's when I noticed that there was a woman in the pool. I've talked to her before, but I was completely drawing a blank as to how I know her or what her name was.

She said, "Something must be up. I've never seen you turn down a good swim before. You've swam in much colder water than that."

I nodded as the tears welled up again. 

She looked at me and looked away and said, "Let's go swim." She came over and took my hand and we walked over to the pool.

She jumped in and let out a squeal and smiled at me. Without thinking, I jumped right in.

At some point during the swim, she got out of the pool. She didn't say anything to me. She just got out quietly, somehow knowing that I needed that time to be myself and process the emotions and thoughts that had been simmering below.

As I swam, I thought of something Mr. Tea had said to me before. He said, "When you swim, it looks so smooth and effortless. there's no splashing. No noise. but I know beneath the surface is where all the power is."

Calm & Storm

What you can accomplish with really cool socks.

***WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS WORKOUT. REMEMBER I'M A PROFESSIONAL IDIOT***


As I write this, I feel like I've been hit by a truck.


I'm pretty sure, that's a good thing.


This weekend was a big test for me in prep for Ironman Boulder. At coach's recommendation, I did a 48.2 mile bike Saturday evening and ran a half marathon on Sunday morning. (the workouts weren't even 12 hours apart.) Ok, coach didn't SAY ride the evening before. 


That's just how my schedule worked out. 


My goals for the weekend consisted of:
1.) NO Bonking
2.) No wimping out
3.) No quitting because "wahhhhhh, my legs hurt".
4.) FOR GOODNESS SAKES WOULD YOU PLEASE FOLLOW THE RUN PLAN FOR ONCE? JUST ONCE.
5.) Don't feel like you've been hit by a truck until the half marathon is over. Because, well, it's a real bummer when you have total body breakdown at mile 10.


This whole weekend was planned around finding out how close I am to my goal for IM boulder 70.3.


Saturday, I felt so good on the bike....that, well, I went faster than plan. No big deal, 10 hours is PLENTY of time to rest before the half marathon, right? Sure, yeah.


SUNDAY morning I get up BEFORE the buttcrack of dawn. 2:30.


DO.NOT.GET.ME.STARTED.


What's pre-buttcrack anyway? I probably shouldn't even have gone to bed.


Anyway, race start temp is mid 30's with race/snow. I pack up my BIG BLACK LEAF BAG, put on BRIGHT PINK DIRTY GIRL shoe gators and head out. 


It didn't occur to me how I must have looked. I will do my best to describe my masterpiece outfit. I have black trail shoes with bright pink shoe gators. black tights, black garbage back and bright pink long sleeved shirt with hood, which of course you could only see my bright pink arms because I'm wearing a black trash bag.  


Other than the garbage bag, I looked ADORABLE.


But, you probably want to know how the race went....


I am under STRICT instructions to run 5/5/5. 5 miles in zone 2, 5 miles in zone 3, and 5k in whatever I can pull out of my butt.


STRICT instructions. I've never been good with instructions. Nevertheless, I set my garmin (with a little bit of attitude mind you) to BEEP at me whenever I went out of my zone. 


Oh yea, trust me. I almost flung the garmin across the street a few times. 


It was THAT kind of race. 


Coach says "Don't worry about people passing you."


sure.


right. 


that's easy. 


Hey, I'm not *racing*. This is a *training* run following a 48.2 mile bike ride. I didn't taper for this race. 


Of course, no one else knows that.


So, as I'm standing in the corral ready to start, a woman strikes up a conversation (which by the way happened alot during the race. I guess, the garbage bag, pink socks is really a conversation starter....just fyi for all my single friends out there.) 


We talk and find out that we are both triathletes, blah blah (what's your race schedule, what's your projected time today, all that boring crap that we talk about in order to keep our minds off the tiny bits of icicles hitting our faces). She says "I took off Friday and Sat to rest up for the race. What did you do?"


"Uh, I rode almost 50 miles last night"


*blink* *blink* "ok, well have fun with hitting that time goal"


Yea. That's pretty much what I was thinking. Why not add in "Have fun when everyone is passing your ass because you're doing some 5/5/5 run plan."


Cranky much? 


No, not really. Only when I have to get up at 2:30 to run a half marathon in freezing rain a few hours after riding my bike, wearing.....well, I've already covered that.


The race starts everyone starts running.


except me.


cuz, I'm not running ONE STEP MORE THAN I HAVE TO and until I cross the start line, I DON'T HAVE TO.


As soon, as I start running, I realize how much my butt hurts.


Not at mile 10, not at mile 8, not at mile 5, but crossing the starting line.


I haven't even started running, and I'm already in pain.


Then, my garmin beep.


Then,  Everyone started passing me.


I speed up a bit.


My garmin starts beeping like an alarm clock on steroids.


OH COME ON. I HAVEN'T even gone a quarter of a mile!


But, I slow down to what feels like some horrible crawl. 


tutu lady passes me.


tatoo guy passes me.


guy in the walker passes me.


It's gonna be a long day on the half marathon course people.


at this point, I pretty much have 12.9 miles to go. I think it's time for a pep talk. It went soemthing like this.


"Yo Bitch."


"Yea. what?"


"I understand your ass hurts, people are passing you, you're wearing some ridiculous outfit and you're trying to stick with a run plan."


"thank you for that, but you left out that I have 12.8 miles left and feel like I've already run 12.8"


"Here's the deal cookie. You know you already hurt. It's not going to get better, but it might not get worse"


"YOU obviously haven't been running very long. OF COURSE IT IS GOING TO HURT"


"shaddup and listen. I'm not hear to offer a bargaining agreement. I'm laying down the rules.
1.) You hurt. Get over it. You're going to hurt during IM. Right now, it's a matter of putting the pain *behind* you. hahaha, behind, get it? Your butt hurts. Oh, good stuff. 
2.) You WILL follow the run plan no matter what. coach is bigger, stronger, faster and overall a better person than you.
3.) Cold rain never killed anyone.
4.) STOP BEING SUCH A FREAKING WUSS."


"well now, I can't really argue with that. well, I could but I don't have the energy."


Miles 1-5, EVERYONE is passing me. Even the guy with his little girl on his back, pushing a stroller, filming his wife as she went running by.


By mile 5, i realized that people were starting to walk. some people were walking earlier, but these were people who i found I had been running with for awhile. 


"GO BAG LADY" the crowd cheers. Bag lady? Who's bag lady?


Now, I'm in zone 3 and I realized that about 5 people were using me to yo-yo. I would keep running. They would run past me, stop and walk until I caught them then they would run past me again.


We turn a corner "BAG LADY BAG LADY! GO !"  Who is this bag lady? Where is she? I'm looking around trying to find bag lady.


we head through the fire station. The fire fighters yell "Bag Lady You look great!"


that's when I realized when everyone else was shedding their garbage bags, I kept mine on. My bib number and name is covered by my garbage bag. 


I.AM.BAG.LADY.


What was I to do but embrace my new identity?


I kept running. my 5 person team entourage keeps doing the yo you thing. I don't stop to walk (except through aid stations), I just keep plugging. slowing down when garmin beeps at me and speeding up when I feel a slight downhill.


From my left, I hear "Bag Lady!"


I turn to see a homeless man waving at me. He yells "I love your purple socks!"


I high five him and keep going. 


Coming up on mile 10, I realize that my legs really aren't hurting anymore that they did when I started. I feel good. I've got the Sisterhood of the Travelling Yo-Yo-ers with me, and I'm getting ready to heading into my last 5k....


the point where I'm supposed to give everything I can.


Do I have anything left to give? My pace has almost been consistent.


Team yo-yo passes me again.


That's it.


Mile 10, team yo-yo didn't count on the Bag Lady holding back for 10 miles.


Garmin Beeps MILE 10, and I start picking up the pace. I've never really done this before. I usually blow up, go out too hard. That's when I realized....


COACH IS A GENIUS.


I start running between a 10:30-11:00 pace.


team yo-you has NOTHING on the Bag Lady.  I imagine each one of them with a target on their backs. One by one, I start passing them.


They never pass me again.


I focus in on a man and woman running about 30 meters ahead of me. I am getting tired, but I think "Just stay with them. Don't lose them. Stay with them. Focus on them. You can hold this."


Mile 12


why does the last mile seem.so.long? You'd think it would be easy because you just have ONE mile left.


But it is sheer hell.


we round the corner. i can see the finish. .2 miles to go. Just then, the first place woman marathoner goes flying past me.


That.is.so.wrong.


then I realized that i never checked my garmin for my splits. I was so focused on heartrate that I have no idea how fast I was running overall. I really wanted to come in between 2:42-and 2:45.  As I cross the finish line, I glance at my garmin: 2:42.


Holy SHITAKE MUSHROOMS! I DID IT! 


No taper, long ride, training run in the cold rain (with some rather sensitive chafing thankyewverymuch).....


And Ironman boulder is still 11 weeks away.


I almost started crying.


No.kidding, but I'm sort of a baby like that.


After I crossed the finish line, I had about 10 people come up to me and say "Bag Lady: I was pacing off you for the longest time. I love your socks."


somewhere along the line, volunteers were handing out mylar blankets, but I missed them. Once I stopped running, I realized how cold it was and how wet I was. I grabbed a bottle of water, gave away my beer coupon and head to my car with a stupid grin plastered to my face.


It wasn't a pr day. It wasn't meant to be. 


It simply showed me what I could be.

Now THAT's how you do it

I ran into a friend, today, at the gym. I haven't seen him since September because I haven't been to the gym since september....shhhh.




After our normal "what have you been up to" chatter, he says, "I turn 50 this year, in May. My wife was asking me what I wanted for my birthday. So, I say 'I want to run 50 miles'. She said 'Well, you'll do that anyway. I want to know what you really want.' "


He went on: I had this idea. Why don't I run 50 miles with friends? I wonder if anyone would do it? I started asking people if they would run parts of the course with me, anything a half mile or 20 miles. Do you know everyone I asked jumped on board to do this. Here's the best part. I'm doing the last 2 miles with Joe* (*not his real name). AND everyone who ran a portion of the 50 miles is going to meet up at mile 48 and finish the last two miles with me and joe. Joe can only go 1 mile per hour, so it will take us 2 hours, but everyone is going to finish with us!


***
Now, this story is pretty amazing. 25 people signed up to run with my friend to find time to run pieces of this birthday run with him. Then, it might occur to you that the last person, Joe, only goes 1 mph.  You might be asking "why does Joe move so slowly"? Joe has no arms or legs. Every day at the gym, he walks on his "stubs" (as he calls them) around the track, every.day. for 1 mile. 1 hour of walking around the gym track. For 1 hour, 6 laps and 1 mile without arms or legs. And this guy, who has no arms or legs and takes an hour to go 1 mile, volunteered to do the last TWO miles with my friend.




During my run, I was in awe. First of all, what a FANTASTIC idea for a birthday present. Second, what an amazing experience this will be having 25 or so friends all walking the last 2 miles for 2 hours, together.


It makes me speechless. 

I'm not an easy person to live with.

Back in October, I celebrated my birthday.


(In case you're wondering, 43's never looked so good).


My birthday present from Mr. Tea was/is that he is going to run a half marathon with me in May 2011. 


This will be his first half marathon. For those of you who know Mr. Tea, he doesn't really enjoy running. So, this is a pretty big deal.


Yesterday, Jan 1st was day #1 of his training. The first 8 weeks of his "plan" is more of a time to get him used to being on his feet, moving and getting used to running in spurts.


Even though the run was 20-25 minutes long, I knew he would be uncomfortable. The plan calls for 5 min warm up walk followed by 1 min run, 90 seconds walk until he hits 20-25 minutes.


So yea, I knew this would make him uncomfortable. In the past, Mr. Tea would take off like a wild banshee, run hard, run too far and end up in pain on day 2 which would cause him to quit running altogether.  


Yesterday he head down to the basement to do his run. I hear the buttons beeping on the treadmill. I hear the belt starting to move. I hear his breathing getting heavy, then labored. 


I wanted to yell down and ask how he was doing, but this is something he has to do by himself. 


At 25 minutes, I decide to check on him. I ask "How did it go?"


Mr. Tea: It was hard. It was only 25 minutes, but it was so hard.  Way harder than I thought it would be.


Tea (Tough Love, dose #1): Yea, running is hard. No matter how fast you get, no matter how far you go, it doesn't get easier.


Mr. Tea: Everything hurts. My back hurts. My legs hurt.


Tea (Tough Love, dose #2): Look, it IS hard. It'll hurt, but it's not going to kill you. You only have to do it 3 days a week. It doesn't have to be pretty. JUST.GET.THROUGH.IT.


Mr. Tea: Wow, what's up with the tough love?


Tea: Look, you have a HUGE disadvantage or ADVANTAGE depending on how you look at it.  I'm an athlete. You didn't wake up this morning and make a resolution to start running while I sit back and feel bad for you and say "Oh poor baby, just skip your run today, start tomorrow, you're all sweaty".  


You're not going through anything different than any other athlete. When you're busting your ass and feeling uncomfortable.....I AM TOO. It's not easier for me to get up every day and run or bike or strength train. I'm not superhuman. Every time you want to quit your run, you're making your half marathon THAT.MUCH.HARDER.


And, I will have no qualms about leaving you in the dust on race day if I don't think you took your training seriously. I have no desire to run a 4 hour half marathon with someone who doesn't care. On the other hand, I will be thrilled to run a 4 hour half marathon with someone who really wants it.


Just remember: You aren't doing this for me.  You're doing this for you.


**************************


That my friends was Day #1.  I have no doubt that it will be an emotional roller coaster. It's never easy to change behavior. We aren't born with mental toughness. It's something we learn. We can choose to quit. We can choose to keep going. The choice is that simple. The more we choose to keep going, the tougher we get. Toughness isn't something we're born with. It's a decision we make, every.day.

So Long and thanks for all the fish.

As it turns out, and as that sick twisted trick of the running gods....just as I am beginning taper, I also decided against running the MS Blues Marathon.

We had some family issues explode over the weekend. Since I'm not really the selfish type, I decided that the race will have to wait another day for me to beat it into submission.

cuz, that's EXACTLY what would have happened.

I'm also not one to ever consider training a waste. 

Things I learned:

1.) I will always hate running in blistery cold, but I CAN run in blistery cold.

2.) I will never truly enjoy running 28 miles in a weekend.

3.) 26.2 miles is a stupid distance to run.

4.) When I run far, I get faster.

5.) I like getting faster.

6.) It was kind of nice going through the holiday season without having to worry about what I'm eating at parties.

7.) speaking of which, it's nice to go bite for bite with a teenager.

8.) I'm not sure if I will ever run a marathon again. Not sure....because there are other things I enjoy more. I didn't like giving those things up to run. However, if I ever feel the urge. I have some requirements:

a.) It's will not be in winter.

b.) It will have to be with friends.

c.) I can complain and complain all over again about how horrrible training is.

WHAT's NEXT?

well, I'm glad you asked. I have a May half marathon and a June century (bike thing).

Both to prepare me for Ironman Boulder in August where I will be going for a PR.

And if you think my run training is funny just wait until I'm running with a sore a$$ after being on the bike for 5 hours. 

For now....

LET THE OFF SEASON BEGIN!

Are we there yet?

Week....
Week....hang on a minute, it's here somewhere.
Here it is: WEEK WTF in my marathon training.


Someone (who shall remain nameless) thought it would be a good....no GREAT....no, FUN idea to run a marathon in JANUARY when training would have to take place during a La nina winter in COLO-FREAKING-RADO. AND NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT LITTLE TOWN OF DENVER. 


Here I am! Less than a month to go and the only....I mean it....the ONLY reason I haven't quit is because I'm running it with Billy. It's much harder to quit when someone else is counting on you to be there.


hmmmm, I wonder if cheering him on counts as *being there*


Besides the cold
and the wind
and the HORRENDOUS HILLS


and the fact that every other week I have to run 25-28 miles on Sat and Sunday combined


MARATHON TRAINING IS A BLAST


woo.hoo.


Gimme my freaking medal now.


You all know that I'm not a marathoner.


Fine, I've finished my fair share. I have the medals.


but that was a long time ago.


There was a reason I stopped running marathon but the biggest reasons are 


the cold
the wind
the horrendous hills
and the fact that I have to run 20 miles every stinking SUNDAY. 


Do you know the last time I got to watch football? NO? ME EITHER. And Monday night doesn't count....nor sunday night.


Did I mention that Billy is probably going to leave me in the dust.


He'll be a gentleman about it. Don't get me wrong. Billy's the best. the Best Jerry, the best!


But ultimately, I'll be out there on the course, by myself crying and thinking of KayVee and Billy throwing back a few at the finish line.


Why? 


Because I can't hold a pace to save my life. I didn't run 20.37 miles today. I travelled 20.37 miles. 


don't tell me about taper.


don't talk to me about hills.


My ass hurts. My legs hurt. My back is just plain tired. My feet hurt. 


Which really begs the question:


This is supposed to be fun? 


really?


Now that the b!tch session is over (it is, I promise), I've had V and Mike both swear to me that if I ever (so help me) think running a marathon in winter again....well.....they'll do something to me. something bad.


let's just leave it at that. 

The Results are in: I SUCK.

I knew eventually it would catch up with me. What is "it". Oh you know.

A little bit of this and a little bit of that. 

Y'get to point where you say to yourself, "Self, do I go grocery shopping or run or blog or work?"

Tough decision given that without groceries, the family gives me thatover the glasses look. 

Without running, then I have ONE GIGANTIC MARATHON FAIL in January.

Not that I haven't failed before. In fact, I do THAT quite well.

Let's be honest, without a paycheck really none of this could be possible. Fine, I could still run, but I wouldn't look nearly so damn CUTE.

That leaves me with a.) Ignoring the kids and Blog  b.) NOT ignoring the kids and NOT blogging.

could I flip a coin on that one? 

Nevermind--WHERE shall I start?

How 'bout here:

I GOT MY ASS HANDED TO ME AT THE TURKEY TROT.

Yep, that's how it was.

First the 16 year old beat me.

Then, the pilgrims beat me.

I did HOWEVER finish before the Turkey.

That's a positive, right? 

I'd loved to make up some excuse about the "altitude" or the "horrible hills" or that "it was just a training run". 

But they'd all be lies. I live here. altitude = non-issue.  Hills? Umm, not.so.much. Training?

I TRAINED MY FREAKING BUTT OFF TO BEAT THAT PUNK.

I even tried to tie his shoelaces together (you didn't hear that from me).

I tried to hide his timing chip. (No, really, I did).

WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO????

I'm 43. He's 16. 

No fears, my dear friends. I have a plan. Everyone knows the body peaks at around 25.

I will simply play the waiting game. I'm a patient person.

Yessirreee. I will keep training. Knowing that in 10 years, when I am 53 and he is 26.  I WILL BEAT HIM as his cardio vascular performance begins to suffer. (Because, let's be honest: How many of YOU were running when you were 25? not many.)

In 10 years, It's SO ON!