Superhero, I am not.

The last, oh, month or so has been very discouraging for me.

Yes, I have been under extreme personal stress. I've had a death in the family, which was one of those "she has 2 weeks to live" type of thing. If you've been through it, it's horrible. 

Then, came the funeral.....nothing like a bunch of Irish Catholics getting together to figure out who the TOP MARTYR is.

Immediately after that, my son Justin had outpatient surgery. No big deal as far as severity, but big deal as in the time committment in changing gauze, giving medications, trying to get him to eat, etc. etc. etc. Really, just plain waiting on him hand and foot. Of course, I'm a mom. I don't mind it one bit. 

Let's see what else I can throw in here, how about WORK. Yea, insane amounts of WORK.

Unexpectedly.

WHERE the hell is this all coming from? As a business owner, it's hard to predict consumer behavior. But THIS. THIS is just insane! (Not bad....just making us rethink our plans). 

With all of this, it's hard for me to catch my breath, let alone get my workouts in.

Everyday, I would say "No more disruptions, starting TOMORROW. Time to get serious."

Well, you can only say that so many times. then, you're just the boy who cried wolf. 

In other shocking news

I'M NOT A SUPERHERO.

As disappointing as it is to take this news, i have to accept the reality. Sometimes training is going to happen, and sometimes it's not. And sometimes the workouts are just going to be hard. 

As much as I want to PR at Ironman Boulder, sometimes just thinking about it wears me out. 

Of course, Mr. Tea had to step in with all his logic....because he's the voice of reason.

me, well, I don't know what I am, you choose: hormonal, bitchy, cranky, emotional.....just choose. They're all good choices.

Mr. Tea took me by the shoulders and said, "Look, I've been going through this for years with you. I've never seen you push so hard before. These workouts you're doing. YOU SHOULD be tired after doing them. All I can say is they are complete sufferfests. Everyone has bad sections of training. Just stay the course."

Then, he started making up a rap song that went something like "What you're doing is a sufferfest. But don't give up, just give your best. Cuz there ain't no stopping there ain't no rest.....

By this point, I was laughing too hard to really focus on what he was saying.

I looked at my schedule, family committments, yadda yadda. 

That's when I remembered one of my favorite quotes:

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I will try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher


I'm not finished. Who cares how many times I start....as long as I keep on starting. 

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So, Now What?

You're right. It's easier to eat pizza than run on the treadmill. It's easier to 

turn to ice cream than people for support. It's easier to 

say "Fuck it, I give up" than to say "Fuck this, I can do it". I'm not going to sit 

here and tell you day after day that you can do this. If you don't believe you 

can,  then you can't. If you don't want it bad enough, then you sure as hell 

won't achieve it. Take the easy way out and remain unhealthy and continue to 

gain weight because you can't realize you are the only one hurting yourself. I 

didn't say it would be easy. I said it would be WORTH it.

SAY it with me people.....

AH HELL YEA!

What a day!

WOW!

Recently (on the training front), I've had a couple of issues that really hit my confidence:

First, that horrible OW swim. 

Second, making the switch to a tt bike.

Third....ok, this was not a HIT to my confidence, at.all. Setting my 5:52 goal and then running into problems....well, that hurt a bit.

More than anything, I needed a day where I could reassure myself that I CAN DO THIS. I WILL DO THIS.

Today was the day for making that happen. 

Lemme spell it out for you.

TODAY WAS A FREAKING CONFIDENCE BOOSTER. 

Here's the synopsis: After last week's horrible ow swim, I was SO scared to do the 1 mile swim today. Let me rephrase that, I WAS SCARED SHITLESS. Today's swim was a *race* at Boulder Res. Btw, I assumed it was an out and back. I thought, if I struggle, I will just turn around and head back. 

I almost threw up when I saw it was a loop.

A BIG FAT WIDE CIRCLE LOOP.

Understand the sittyation? 

Alot of the people are afraid of the swim. I get that. But, the swim is my best event. BEST. If I f*ck this up.....well...nothing really happens. 

I took a few minutes in an empty part of the water and started *meditating* and saying my catch phrases that help calm me down. My HR was really high, so I needed to calm down. 

My favorite phrase and Yes, I know it's a little weird, but I just kept saying "Panic is a vulture on your shoulder. Panic is a vulture on your shoulder." 

It's sort of sing-song....maybe it's NOT going be on Barney, but you gotta do what works for you. 

I lined up at the VERY back on the far right. Everyone took off, and I took a deep breath and just started swimming. After a few strokes, I felt like I was just swimming in a pool. I went very easy, VERY easy. When I got out of the water, my watch said 43 min exactly.....which for me is very slow.

But today was not measured by speed, it was measured in confidence. I gained a ton today.

No matter how afraid of something I am, I know that I will get right back up there and make it right.

Now, I can go into my next ow swim and pick up the pace without fear of freaking out.

Then it was time for the bike. 

Again, I was nervous about riding my tt bike on this course. Would I be strong enough? Could I do the hills? 

WOW! That elevation map makes the course look so hard, but it is very fast, very easy. Ok, maybe not VERY easy, but WAAAAAYYYY easier than where I ride regularly. When I finished, all I thought was "I am going to KILL it on the bike!" I'm going back out a few more times, but I feel pretty confident that I will break 3 hours on the bike. 

Breaking 3 hours? That's what the crazy fast people do. Really. THE crazy fast.

Maybe I can do this afterall.

Memories

There is a hole where a life had been.

Summer vacations and camping trips and the beach and pool.

Do you remember when she lived with us? Do you remember putting up the fence when she was pregnant? Remember how we would get in trouble at the pool? She would yell at us to stop, and we would just laugh...because what were we really doing wrong? Remember that party when she got drunk on box zinfindel because that was her favorite? Remember how we danced to the 8 track tapes? She bought us our first microwave, remember that? We put hot dogs in there and blew them up. Remember how she helped get you, your first job? Remember the cows in her backyard? Remember how mad she'd get because they would wake her up in the summer?

She never missed a birthday. or anniversary.

Did you know that it's our anniversary? 18 years. 

Do you remember.....do you remember when we got her diagnosis?

And it felt unreal. Like it just wasn't possible. It could have been anyone. But this time, it wasn't.

Then came the treatments. 

It's too advanced, but there is this experimental treatment that might work. 

But it didn't work.

Do you remember having to call everyone?

5:52

It's amazing in the world of triathlon how much we look to numbers. Distances, times, paces, number of workouts, heart rate, elevation gain/loss, cadence, stroke count and on and on are a natural part of what we do.

Part of that is finish times. I'm a competitive person, but I'm also afraid of what I can and can't do sometimes. I'm always being asked what my goals are or what my goal time is for Ironman Boulder. I never know how to answer. It's not that I don't want to tell people because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me. 

I honestly don't know. I don't know what I am capable of on race day. When asked what my goal is, I say "To PR" and leave it at that. 

In an off handed sort of way, I told coach that I wanted to break 6:00 before I turned 45. (And yes, I know I don't look a day over 30).

Me being ME, I expected Coach to say, "Honestly, you're about 3 or 4 years away from that. Great goal, though".

Instead, I get this response:

"5:52 - write it down. Tape it to a mirror, car steering wheel, fridge, whatever. See it, think it, believe it. It's yours if you want it." 

Of course, my response back was:

ARE YOU FREAKING NUTS?

Because that's how I roll.

And in the back of my mind, I was thinking....

Can I pull off a 5:52?

Could I really do that?

I see other women do it, but I'm not other women. I'm Tea. Little ole Tea. Tea, the plugger, the dolphin, the one with the REALLY COOL NEW BIKE.

With this NUMBER 5:52 looming in my mind, I went swimming. 

and I thought....and I thought.....and I thought some more.

Then, I thought.....Maybe I could. Maybe I really could do a half iron in 5:52. Those numbers almost feel weird saying them....and directing them to myself. I mean, once you break into the 5 hour range, to me that's the CRAZY FAST PEOPLE. Those are the people that have showered & eaten by the time I usually cross the finish line.

Could I possibly be one of THEM??

I kept swimming. 

Then, something changed. I went from "Could I really do it" to "How can I make it happen?"

Yea, I'm not the fastest runner, but so what! That's the beauty of triathlon. 

There.are.3.sports.

Train to your weakness; race to your strengths.

Any combination of speed in the 3 sports will give me 5:52. I KNOW I'm faster than most women swimming. I KNOW I can hold that spot on the bike.

And the run? Let's just say that I'm no longer going to say "the run is a matter of survival". Nope. Not going to say that anymore. It's my 3rd best event. On the run, all I have to do is stick with the plan and focus. I don't have to be the fastest runner...not when I'm so good in the other two. 

I just can't give up on the run.

Because I have a goal now.

And I'm not embarrassed to answer: My goal for Ironman Boulder? Oh, it's 5:52.

Calm & Storm

Throughout my day, week, whatever, I will have these phrases pop into my head. Maybe I've heard them before. Maybe I've made them up. I have no idea. 

Seemingly at random, these phrases come to me. Over the last 2 days, at various times of the day, without meaning, I would start repeating calm & storm, calm & storm.

The week was very hard on me.

For those of you who do not know the story, 5 months ago my aunt was given 3-6 months to live. She had been diagnosed with a very advanced melanoma. She has gone through many surgeries and experimental treatment.

The cancer had progressed into her brain where there were 4 very large lesions and many smaller lesions. The neuro-surgeon advised that brain surgery was not an option.

She was given 2-3 weeks to live.

People die from massive heart attacks. It's shocking. There's no time for closure. 

Something like cancer is different. Family is an active part of the dying process. Last requests, wishes.....

Even when you are given a timeframe of 3-6 months, it doesn't seem real.

In the end, the option that the family chose was to move her back home with in home care.

On one of those days, I left to go for a short swim. 

My emotions were pent up all week. I would cry for no reason. I would cry because I couldn't get the door unlocked. I cried because I couldn't comprehend some legal documents I was supposed to sign. 

I just couldn't stop crying.

Then I hit a void. I knew it was time to do something, so I went swimming. as many of you know, swimming is incredibly meditative for me because it comes naturally to me. I don't have to think about it. I just do it.

The day I showed up at the pool, I stuck my foot in the water, and it was cold as ice. I sat on the edge of the pool with my feet dangling in the cold water. I sat there for 10 minutes when I decided to skip the swim. I went over to the hot tub and got in.

That's when I noticed that there was a woman in the pool. I've talked to her before, but I was completely drawing a blank as to how I know her or what her name was.

She said, "Something must be up. I've never seen you turn down a good swim before. You've swam in much colder water than that."

I nodded as the tears welled up again. 

She looked at me and looked away and said, "Let's go swim." She came over and took my hand and we walked over to the pool.

She jumped in and let out a squeal and smiled at me. Without thinking, I jumped right in.

At some point during the swim, she got out of the pool. She didn't say anything to me. She just got out quietly, somehow knowing that I needed that time to be myself and process the emotions and thoughts that had been simmering below.

As I swam, I thought of something Mr. Tea had said to me before. He said, "When you swim, it looks so smooth and effortless. there's no splashing. No noise. but I know beneath the surface is where all the power is."

Calm & Storm