Friday, January 16, 2009

A Tale of Two Speedos

Over my blogging years, I have been chastised on more than one occasion for my blatant, rude, INSENSITIVE, and CLEARLY sexist remarks about men in speedos.

I've been chided, harassed, and of course, all of that made me feel just horrible.

Yet, here I am.

I'm about to do it again.


After barely escaping my last "Speedo" incident at the pool I used to go to, I thought I was free and clear. The gold chain, the smell of Drakkar, the strut, the licking of the lips, the up and down oooooogling, and one more, the sly slicking back of the hair.

To read about it, maybe it's not bad. But to live my life, to have to go through this torment...over and over again....It's like the definition of torture. It's not the one incident; it's everything put together that can cause the most emotional and physical trauma.

My new pool has two Speedo-boys.

The first, I feel bad for. He's clearly self-conscious. He wraps the towel around himself, afraid to show anything and jumps in the pool.

This guy is the male version of ME, right? I'm still dealing with ironfat. Did I go out an buy new swimsuits that fit? No, my thinking was that the sheer thought of being 7lbs heavier and wearing a two-piece to the pool would be enough to frightened the fat right off me.

That didn't happen.

Instead, everyday I see the rolls of fat dripping over my swimsuit bottoms, staring back at me magnified in the pool shower faucet. And I think of the joy that I must bring to other swimmers,

I I empathize with Mr. speedo 1. I really do.

Oh, but Mr. Speedo 2.

The picture above just doesn't do him justice. Again, it's the whole package. The strutting along the edge of the pool like Miss America. The smell of his cologne. Before he evens gets to the pool, I can smell him coming.

do you remember the guy from "My big fat greek wedding?" Remember the guy licking the spoon?


As Mr. speedo 2 is making his rounds from hot tub to sauna to steam room and back again, I tried to be in the room he was not. Apparently this guy is really into the 40 year old slightly overweight amazons. Wonder woman complex or something.

How do I know?

You're just gonna have to trust me on that one.

As I'm sitting in the steam room, ahhhhh enjoying the heat and silence when the door opens.

Light comes pouring in as I can barely make out a shadow walking toward me. That's when I hear it. Something right out of a porn flick.


He walks right at me and almost sits in my lap. I realize that he has an ipod on just blaring "something" so loud that I can not only make out the music, but I hear...uh....hmmmm....SEX NOISES coming from the ipod.

I can't make this stuff up.

I sat there for a moment in stunned silence, listening to the 3 or 4 people gettin it on and decided that I should probably leave.

I know.

My life is enviable.