Today, I was brought to tears.

I had an interval set on the bike.

Look, I've trained for and done 70.3's. I've cried during 70.3 training but only because I was so happy a workout was over....not because the workouts were crazy tough. Crazy long, yes.

There are NO workouts in this world that break me like sprint training.

Today I hit that dark place.

I had 20 intervals. RIDICULOUS intervals.

At 5, I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I had already done 5. I had 15 more.  15 MORE.

I got discouraged. I cut intervals 5-6-7-8 by :15 seconds.

I almost quit, but the thought of having to face Liz and say, "I quit" was terrifying to me.

I thought to myself, "Don't quit. Change the plan."

I decided that I would shorten the intervals, but the shorter I went, the harder I had to go.

Each interval, I finished, shaking. I couldn't pedal. I rested my head on the aero bars, trying to recover in time for the next one to start.

I finished this watered down workout, successfully. But I didn't feel good about it.

I keep reminding myself that these workouts are less about hitting the intervals and more about the mental side.

Are you going to give up?

Are you going to quit?

What are you going to do when things get tough?

What are you going to do when you are discouraged?

Quitting is the easy way out. Giving up is the easy choice.

Week after week, Liz is pushing me harder and harder. I miss one set of intervals. I think, "She'll back off this week."  Instead, she comes at me with harder intervals.

I keep at it. Why? I don't know. Maybe because deep down inside, I think, that she believes in me....that she believes I can do this.  That there's a reason she's pushing me like this.

That....she's going to take me to the brink, and I'm going to see something absolutely beautiful on the other side.

Chasing the beast

I am training for a long distance open water swim.

My friend....let's call him the Beast....because that's what he is....is also training for a long distance open water swim.

The Beast is a better swimmer than I am. He is training for a STUPID long distance. His 2 hour pace is my 1 hour pace.

Today, we were meeting for a swim. He had a swim meet yesterday. I was planning on swimming in a wetsuit.

There was hope for me that I could keep up with him.

He is a great person, all around and one of the most supportive people you will meet.

He wanted to get in almost 4 miles. I was going to swim the first hour with him then hand him off to the rest of our crew (who were showing up later in the morning).

Liz gave me a workout for the day. We decided to adjust it from a timed intervals workout to distance-ish intervals. (It made it easier for us to stay together).

Throughout the hour, we practiced different drafting. We did fast intervals and long tempo intervals.

At every buoy, we stopped to re-group & check in on each other. Always the gentleman when he got :30 ahead of me, he would wait for me to start the next set.

When my hour was up, I handed him off to the next shift. I slipped out of my wetsuit and practiced race starts without my wetsuit.

I love open water swimming. I was thinking about how the sport can seem quite "un-social", but it's exactly the opposite. In long distance swims, friends keep each other entertained. Sure, we can't talk while swimming, but there's a camaraderie in silence, knowing that we are training together and going through the same challenges. We check in with each other. We are each other's support crew (kayakers carrying fuel and willing to rub out leg cramps mid swim).  These are the friends who text me at midnight (knowing I was making poor life choices) and say, "You better make it tomorrow morning".

Our conversations might happen in 20 second intervals, but that just means we have learned to be more succinct.

One year ago

Accountability is the wholehearted embrace of what we desperately want to ignore.

A year ago, I sat here thinking about my upcoming race, Age Group Nationals. I was excited about the race. At the same time, I wanted it over with.

This is because once the race was over, I was going to be making really big changes. More than anything, I wanted those changes to start NOW. I didn't really want to wait.

Every year, for a few years, I would do OSF; operation super fit. At the end of every season, I would do OSF and fail miserably. I'd give up. Every damn year, I would try again. My goal: drop a few pounds, become a better runner; blah blah blah. Goals we all share in one form or another.

Last year, I was at a low point. I knew I had to make changes. Waiting was killing me. I was so excited to start.

Once Nationals were over, I had two weeks off to unwind. Then, I hit the ground running.

At the time, I didn't realize that I would be doing OSF for the last time.

What started as operation super fit, became life changes.

It started with a complete revamp of my nutrition. It's so hard to look back and say "This is what changed". Everything changed. I started by logging my food; not to count calories but so that Dina could check in on what I was doing and make recommendations. Over a period of a few months, the extra fat I was carrying around was gone. My energy levels increased. My sleep got better. My recovery improved. I could handle heavier training workloads.(I've since stopped logging my food.)

But that wasn't it. There's a je ne sais quois. 

I still can't quite put my finger on it. When I try to explain it to people, I fumble around at a loss for words. The best I can do is say, "the longer I do this, the better I feel". In the past, like OSF, I would do a plan and stop after a month or two. I never found long term success doing it that way.

The plan that I follow is an evolutionary one. There are things that I do now that would not have worked last Sept. When I'm asked about what I do, I really struggle. For one reason, 99.9% of my friends are training for Ironman. My nutrition is very different simply because my training volume is slow low (comparatively speaking).

Operation Super Fit goes beyond nutrition. In fact, I think OSF is a misnomer for me, this time around.

I look back over the past year, wanting to describe what I've done, how my outlook has changed.....and I can't.

Everything is so tightly intertwined, I can't separate them. Nutrition, training, mental focus, confidence....it's all one big mosh pit.

I couldn't do the training and recovery without the nutrition.

I couldn't do the training without the mental focus that I've gained.

The hardest one to explain is confidence. Bit by bit, I got stronger. Because of that, I became more confident. Because I was more confident, I was able to take more risks in training. Because I could take more risks, I became stronger and faster.

This is the most fun I've ever had.

I feel like I'm heading into completely new, unchartered territory. I have no idea what I will be able to accomplish, but I'm sure excited to find out.

Dream fearlessly

For years, I've had a goal. It was a pace goal. Just one time, I wanted to hit this goal. I knew the goal was crazy given what my paces were. I knew my goal wasn't realistic.

But, I still wanted it. I wanted it so badly I could taste it. I wanted it so badly that it would bring tears to my eyes when I thought about it. I worked for it. I'd make progress. But I was nowhere close to the goal. I'd go back to the drawing board. I'd talk to Liz. When we talked about Nationals, we talked about what my goals were. We talked about what I have to do to reach my goals. She said, "Ok. This is what we have to do to make that happen."

I've done everything possible to reach this goal.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been doing mile repeats and half mile repeats on the track. 

I noticed a trend. When I look at my garmin, I struggle. I get stressed out. Paces feel harder than they actually are. I told Liz about it and pointed out intervals where I looked at my garmin and where I didn't.

The difference was amazing. It was a difference of :30 per mile. I was running :30 PER MILE slower when I watch my garmin or set alerts.

When I just ran, I ran faster at an effort that felt much lower.

Liz and I decided that today was the day I was going to bring my Garmin but not look at it for my 800m intervals. 

I blew away my previous times. BLEW THEM AWAY. 

She has been telling me for years to "just run". It hasn't been easy getting to that point. It takes confidence. Maybe I've had the physical ability to do it for awhile; but without the confidence, it wasn't going to happen. It takes a tremendous amount of trust....trust in myself. It was a trust that I've never had before.

You might be wondering about that big elusive goal. No, I didn't hit today, but I held it for 200m. I'm closer than I've ever been to a goal that at one time seemed like it was almost unacheivable. 

I always believed I was faster than what my times showed. I always believed I was a better athlete than what my times showed. Now, I'm growing into the athlete I always believed I could be.

Tidbits

When I saw that Liz gave me 296 watt intervals this week instead of the 255watts.

When I had her move my long workouts to Thursdays and Fridays.

When I hit my run paces.

When I wave at another runner, but they ignore me.

When I'm so hungry but too tired to eat.

How my flip turns feel

What they really look like

How running off the bike feels

Most importantly, how I feel when I see a step back week on my training plan.

I have met my match

Today was "Please make it stop" day.

About a year ago, I explained Liz's challenge workouts. Since then, I've graduated from challenge workouts to her hardest workouts. Best of all, I know there are more to come. We don't call her the Mastermind for nothing.

By the way, if you are on Twitter, you might want to consider following Liz. She constantly posts the latest research on everything: training, nutrition, recovery, mental strategies. Everything you can imagine. She's also really funny and in her 3rd trimester, so we get the added benefit of seeing pregnancy pictures of her trying to fit into a wetsuit, going aero on a bike, and being a part of her countdown until she can drink alcohol again. I just adore people who can make fun of themselves.

Where was I?

Oh right. Please make it stop day.

YODA IS FULL OF SHIT.

Please make it stop day. Last week, I had a set of intervals from Liz. I did my best and fell short; not a lot but a bit. 

I missed a couple of the intervals by enough that that I wanted another shot but not enough that I thought, "I really can't do this".

When I saw the progression of last week's interval workout on this week's plan, I knew it was going to be tough. In addition to the bike workout, she wanted me running off the bike at sub 7:45.(That's what she does, she says, "Run sub 7:45". That's because I need to be pushed, challenged.)

I had intervals at 255 watts. Not for seconds. Not one minute. Not 2 minutes. MINUTES. SEVERAL MINUTES at 255watts. For some of you, 255 watts ain't no thang. For ME, it's a w/kg ratio of +4%. (My most recent bike test came in at 3.32%).

For people who aren't bike geeks, it's pretty close to having your lungs ripped out.

This week, I had more intervals and more at the 255 watts. Last week, she gave me a range to hit. This week, she upped the ante.

I made 4 of the intervals. I missed the last ones. With each one, I came up with a different strategy, a different way of TRYING to accomplish the seemingly impossible. YES, I could get to 255 watts. That's no big deal. HOLDING 255 watts for a ridiculous amount of time.....completely different issue.

At the end of each interval, I was shaking, trying to catch my breath. It seemed like only seconds went by when I heard my garmin beeping 5-4-3-2-1 for the start of the next interval.

Each time, I would get to the watts but I couldn't hold it.

I felt like...I should be able to do this. I was giving it everything I had. I could hardly even pedal during recoveries.

THANK YOU, Michael.

If you know me, I don't give up. I keep trying. I fell short on the last few intervals. That's going to happen, but I didn't let one failure stop me from trying again. I am a proud card carrying member of Team Stupidly Determined. (Maybe I could be an honorary member, LBTEPA?)

I wrote in my notes to Liz that this workout is so frustrating. She wrote back, "Just keep trying."

Training requires mental toughness. After each missed interval, I could have gotten discouraged. BUT, I knew I was giving everything I had. I was determined to keep going. I got off the bike and ran. The 7:45 really isn't particularly hard. It was a little more difficult because of the bike workout.

The crazy part was that the run was the easiest part of my day. There were no signs of jelly legs. I felt strong. I hit my paces. I felt stronger at the end of the run than the start.

BUT DAMN THAT BIKE WORKOUT.

Bike intervals: 2, Tea: 0. 

I will be back for you 255 watt intervals.

One day I will look back and remember when I struggled to do this.

Language

I'm fat.

I'm old.

I'm being lazy.

I'm slow.

I suck.

These are comments that are dropped on a daily on Strava.

Today, I'm telling you.

You are not fat.

You are not old.

You are not lazy.

You are not slow.

You do not suck.


These are words that we would never say to another athlete. Why is it acceptable to say them to ourselves?

You are the only person you will know for your entire life.

Make the relationship a good one.