Sunday, December 22, 2013

Throw away the chains

I'm not really sure what I want to say, but I found myself in front of the computer, in front of my blog.

So, here I am.

I guess if I go back 24 hours, I got a glimpse of what 2014 is going to be like. At the same time, I have no idea what it means.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I was thinking about 2014 yesterday.

I am going to start from a different place. I want to thank a few people. Interestingly, it's not for the things they said, but more for the things they didn't say.

It was because of them, that I was able to do something that I wasn't expecting to do.

They made me realize that sometimes I need to do what's right for me and not be stubborn about it. In other words, I can't say, "No" to something that I want to do because other people try to do the hard sell on me to do it.

If I want to do it, then I need to do it for me.

That was how I decided a number of things yesterday, including re-organizing my race schedule for 2014. This post probably seems pretty dramatic to JUST talk about a race schedule. Trust me, everything that went on behind the scenes had nothing to do with a race schedule. It has everything to do with losing someone that I really cared about. I wish to God it didn't happen, but it did.

I know it had to happen, but it doesn't make it any easier.

So, the changes.

Today, I sat down to write a list of what I really want and what I really need for the upcoming year. I don't think I've really done this type of exercise in a few years.

I think my goals of a few years ago were appropriate for awhile. But things are different now. They are going to be different. How do I get through all of this without having this person to talk to, or to text or to email.

And I'm so sad. So heartbroken. So hurt.

Because for all my sarcasm and tough talk, I'm just a person who feels much more deeply than a lot of people. I'm real softie.

I was trying to convince myself that this is a fresh start, something new.

But, I can't make that jump yet. I'm still at the endpoint.

I *did* manage to write my list of what was important to me going forward. When I throw out the whiny baby parts, I have a good solid list.

From that list, I came up with what I wanted to accomplish. (This is a "life" list, not a training or race list).

I kept drilling down like that.

Finally, I got to the "training" part of my life.  With every other part penciled in, I was able to look at what I could realistically do this year.

I identified two "A" races:

In June, Loveland Lake 2 Lake, an olympic distance race with a 1500m swim/30mile bike/10k run


SOMA 70.3 in October.

Then, I removed other races, like Nationals.

And I back filled with others, like the Boulder Peak in July--a race that I've never done and swore off because of the size. But, I thought, "Why not?"

There's no more doing things because friends and virtual friends want me to do them. There's no more hang ups. There's no more baggage. There are just races.

I still have a lot of gaps, where some races have been eliminated, and I have yet to fill in with others.

I have a plan, though. As of yesterday, I felt like I had nothing.

Like my race schedule, I'm hoping to fill in other gaps as well. Hopefully, fill them with new friends who want to share a sweaty, gel covered hug at the end of a race.