How it all went down...

After my last post, you might have been wondering how I got to this place.

It's funny how timing goes, isn't it?

Toward the end of last week and over the weekend, two people* made several different comments to me that completely demoralized me.

These weren't comments like "You suck. You're so slow." Ha. No. That would have made me laugh.

These were comments that, after I had time to think about them, hit me that I really don't know if I want to continue with my training.

It doesn't matter if I misunderstood the comments. The damage had been done.

The more and more I thought about the comments, the angrier I got. 

And, the more dispirited I became about everything and anything related to triathlon.

Yesterday, I spent the day venting to my girlfriends. I really needed to get everything out there. Sometimes you need to do that. 

I thought they were both going to say "Tea. You were wrong", but they didn't. Instead, they listened to me (what they could decipher inbetween bouts of 4 letter words).

They didn't try to "fix" me. They didn't judge me or tell me that I was being emotional. They just let me get it out there....which really really helped.

As I said to one of my friends, when I started doing this training, I had TWO goals:

1.) To get faster

2.) To have fun

That's it. There were no goals regarding going further. There were no goals about placing.

I have a very demanding life. I use triathlon for stress relief. When the *thing* that I do to get away from my life starts to become more draining than my life.....I have a problem.

I don't feel that I need to cover a certain distance or hit a certain speed to be happy in triathlon. My identity is completely separate from the sport. Trust me, I swim with some people who's identities are completely wrapped up in tri's or Ironman. In fact, if the sport dissolved tomorrow, they'd disappear with it. 

But that is not who I am. If I cannot get faster doing the volume of work that I can do, then I'm ok with it. 

I'm not out to impress anyone. I'm out to have fun (see #2 above).

Now, unfortunately, I have to figure out if I can put the fun back into the sport or decide to bag the year and do some other things.


   

*Two people who do not read my blog. Although, just to be safe, I'm going to leave out incriminating evidence.

Maybe I was wrong

Maybe I was a bit hasty in moving to the Olympic distance this year (or at all).

Granted, there are times when I was racing sprints, and I wish the bike segment was just a wee bit longer. 

But the fact is that I just don't know if the volume, required to train for oly races,  is something that I can commit to. 

If it were a once in awhile-type-of-volume, it would definitely be manageable. The whole thing came crashing down on me over the weekend. I had a longer workout. The longest workout than I have had in years. That's not an exaggeration. 

I was out there. I was just getting madder and madder. I kept thinking, "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?" as I started thinking that this is what my year is going to look like. My entire racing season is going to be made up of getting up early and putting in long training days.

Fortunately, there's no such thing as "wasted fitness"....although, you'll hear that phrase thrown around quite a bit in the world of triathlon. 

I have an oly race in a few weeks. What do I do? I can do the race. I already have a room reserved. I could move down to the sprint. Although driving THAT far to do a sprint isn't really my idea of a good time. 

My concern now is the training leading up to the race. Can I do it? UGH. SO UNAPPEALING. Dare I even say "IT SUCKS"? 

In a way, I'm angry at myself. I certainly didn't have to move up. Maybe I should have inquired a little more about what commitment would be required. 

The last thing I want is to do a race that I'm unprepared for....

unprepared as in I quit doing the workouts because I don't want to do them. 

So, I guess. I'll take a few more days to think it through. 

I want to make one thing very clear. 

Doing longer distance training has nothing to do with mental toughness.

It has everything to do with how I choose to spend my free time.

  

Time is not my own

This week has been stressful with little stupid stuff. Nothing has been major. There's just been a lot of little stuff.

I've let it get the best of me and missed some workouts. I didn't sleep well at all early in the week. On top of being stressed, I was tired. When I'm tired, I get cranky. When I don't workout, it makes me even crankier. It becomes a vicious cycle.

I've really felt like time isn't my own. That's not true. I simply need to make it my own. The time is there. I just can't mess around. If I say I'm riding at 10am. I have to ride at 10am, not 10:30 or even 10:15. 

I can't worry about what other family members are doing. When I sit around and wait for them, I miss my workouts. I can't wait for them to get up in the morning. I need to start my workout.

Heck, if they really wanted to talk to me, they'd get up earlier, right? So, why am I waiting for them?

See? It's all me. I've got to change this.

When someone says, "Let's talk at at 10am", I need to institute the old College rule. If the professor isn't there by 10:10, class canceled. 

That's just how my schedule is right now. Unless there's truly an emergency, I'm not late. I think it's completely disrespectful for people to show up late and/or make other people wait. 

Back in the day when I trained for Ironman, the business wasn't very busy. I had all the time in the world to train and really goof off a lot. 

Then, we became busy, and Mr. Tea and I found ourselves doing everything and not having much time.

Then, we hired people and that freed up our time.

Now, I'm busy again. 

I have to stop thinking about this as being a flexible work schedule and more like a "real" job. Trust me it feels like a real job (except WAY more fun).

I just need to make the commitment. I was doing really well. I was getting up, having breakfast with JMan, then workout, then work, then workout, then work. It was a great schedule. 

I just need to make it happen again. 












 

Is there a method to my madness?

I'd like to think there is. I'd like to think that I'm not just doing random races to see what sticks; to figure out what distance I like or what distance I personally feel "good" at. 

In a way, I'm doing just that. However, it's less random than it might seem. Sometimes, I have to adjust my goals or change the goal completely.

Early this year (after the part where I freaked out and said I'd never race again and way after I was cursing the swim focus....because yes, I will never live those down.)

I love my friends.

EARLIER this year, like a month ago, I still didn't know what I wanted to do.

THE PLAN....my plan....based on my goals....was to continue doing sprint tri's this year and sprinkle in a couple of olys. 

This was the plan based on other goals that I'd set. I said that I wouldn't move up in distance until I hit those "OTHER" goals. 

Well, I didn't hit those goals. Part of me really wanted to stick with the sprints. The other part really wanted to move up to the oly. 

In a way, it's nerve-racking moving up. It's like when I first signed up with Ricci, and I had to do my first few races. I was a nervous wreck. It's the constant, "What if I can't do it? What if I spent all this time doing all this training, and I'm no better than I was?"

YES. Racing is fun.

Repeatedly finishing in the bottom half of your AG = NOT FUN. 

For me, there is no sense of accomplishment in finishing at the bottom of the AG. I'm WAY past the "just finishing" mentality that goes along with finishing a first race at a particular distance. 

So, I worked at the sprints. I made considerably faster progress than I could have even imagined. In many ways, I look at my times, now, and I think they can't possibly be mine. 

But they are. I've learned to trust the system, but I didn't trust myself completely.

One day, I'm trying to figure out what races I should do when I was told:
It's pretty simple. You need to decide if you want to try to place this year in the sprint. OR do you want to see how you do going longer, knowing that your results will be similar to your first sprint with Ricci.
  
When I thought about it, I really didn't care too much about placing. (Not right now anyway. But, I'm sure there will be time in the near future where that will be a goal.)

Right now, I'm still testing the waters....to figure out what distances I like. 

You know that saying about the coin toss? When you're stuck, and you flip a coin....before it even lands, you know which one you want because you'll secretly be hoping for a certain outcome.

Well, when I got right down to it, I wanted to do the oly. EVEN THOUGH, I didn't hit one of my key goals. Just one goal...that I wanted to hit, but I didn't get there last year.

I wanted to break 30 minutes in the 5k before moving up.

I thought about it. Really, it was more of a guideline than a hard and fast rule.

I started registering for Olys. 

Then, I broke the 30 min mark. Then, the 29 min mark, and today ALMOST....THISCLOSE to the 28 min mark. 

I HAD that 27:xx. I know it! ARGH!

And, all of that happened this year within a few weeks of each other. 

Of course, I'm happy about it. Now, I'm faced with dealing with the 10K. I have improved in that distance, but I'm now looking at the oly races for the year.

I'll be going from a distance that would take me 1:20, to a race distance that I have never broken 3 hours on. 

I'm a little nervous about it. Not much, but a little because I've decided to move outside my comfort zone again. 

Last year, I was a nervous wreck heading into the sprint races. 

Then I got comfortable with them. I'd raced so much that no matter what happened on race day, I knew I could handle it. Bike in a hail storm? No problem. Run while cramping? Got it handled. 

Because that's what training is for.....you train in the heat or cold....whatever it is....whatever happens in training is a GOOD THING. On race day, then, you're a rock, nothing can mess with you. No one can intimidate you. The weather doesn't freak you out. 

You get comfortable. 

And that comfort became constricting for me, it was time to get uncomfortable again.

It's time to learn how to RACE an oly, not just finish it.